"Atlas"... Shrug.

Every once in a while I see a preview that strikes my science-fiction bone and makes it feel all warm and tingly. There are a couple of things that can do this to me, the first is a story's premise, the second is execution. Sadly, this week I was very, very disappointed. This week I am reviewing that thing we all saw on Netflix, "Atlas". We all saw it because Netflix put it front and center. It looked okay in the previews, but in our hearts we knew... We knew it was going to suck. We watched it, to be sure, and yup, we were very disappointed. 

That's right, I said "Atlas". I watched it so you don't have to. No, really, I mean it. Don't watch this movie if you love science fiction and your health, this will only hurt you in places you can't recover from, like in that tiny sliver of hope, way, way, down in the bottom of your heart. 

If you want a really good story about A.I., giant robots, cool gadgets, machine love, and the whole works, you should go watch "The Creator", that movie is everything this movie wanted to be, but failed so hard at. That movie had soul, this movie sold it's soul for some crack-cocaine on the corner of Fifth and Arthur. 

When I first saw the preview for this, I was intrigued because the concept has potential. There was several issues, however, I will review them. Primarily, what put me on edge when I saw the previews was that the star of the movie was Jennifer Lopez. She is simply not my favorite, in fact I shy away from any thing she is in. So I proceeded with caution, when I should have nuked the movie from obit.

Even so, I decided to give this turd-mobile a spin because GIANT ROBOTS WITH MISSILES- that's why. The same reason I once watched a movie called "Robot Jox"- If you were born before 1985 you might know what I am talking about. It is also a movie should not watch. I watched "Atlas" for the same reason I watched the first "Pacific Rim". GIANT ROBOTS and KAIJU. My inner child didn't need those movies to have a plot, all they needed was giant robots. This movie, however, was a lie. A sad, dirty, and shameful lie. 

So, why does it suck so hard?

There is no short answer to this, too many reasons. This time around I will start with the one thing I felt was okay about the movie and work my way forward. Naturally it's the robots and tech I can give this movie credit for. They're cool, but even as cool as they are, it kind of feels like they stole them from Avatar, or leased them from FOX Studios or some shit. ARCs, as they are called in the film, are the best part of the movie. The other robots and mechs are okay too. Sure, it's not the best, but it's all this movie has going for it. I can't do any better than that. The science fiction robot part of the show is actually okay. Like 7 out of 10 okay. But that is where the okay ends.

After that, there's the plot. 

Sigh with facepalm on that one. 

There's a ton of stuff wrong with the plot. I don't really care about this movie, so I will spoil it. The plot in this movie makes about as much sense as the braille on the drive up ATM.

So, here's the quick and skinny: Man invents AI. AI tries to kill mankind. Mankind fights back and tries to eradicate AI. We almost win, but at the last minute AI builds an interstellar space ship and leaves Earth. The AI (affectionately known as "Harlan") regroups in the Andromeda galaxy and makes plans to return to destroy the human menace. Even though there is absolutely no reason to, especially because the AI can travel thousands of light-years with a single wormhole, and it's a very big universe with millions of planets and enough room for everyone.

In the meanwhile, the AI is being hunted by a scientist, "Atlas", who just happens to be the daughter of the person who created the AI. Really? How convenient (that was not a question, but a deadpan statement). Atlas just happens to hate AI, and as a side effect of what happened, is a wreck. She is unstable, an emotionally dis-regulated, paranoid, caffeine driven, wreck. Yet somehow, she can trick the AI into relieving it's stronghold. Even though she isn't space worthy, she somehow manages to get a trip to the bad guys home world where they plan on destroying the AI. 

They have a planet killer on board the ship, that's a "carbon bomb" to all us idiots in the audience. It's capable of destroying a whole planet, but they aren't going to use that, no, they are going in on foot because MacGuffin! They want Harlan's CPU so they can figure out who reprogrammed him to be able to kill humans. Rather than just bombing the planet from orbit and returning home, which would have been the logical thing to do. Oh my fucking god, who writes this stuff? 

In the process the ship is destroyed and Atlas gets trapped in an ARC controlled by a good AI named "Smith". She is then forced to confront her fear of artificial intelligence so that together the good AI and Atlas can save the world from the bad AI. Humans and agent Smith, together Atlas... See what I did there?

The two make their way across the Alien world from the crash site dodging Harlan's robot army to be forced into a final showdown where it's relieved that it Atlas was who helped Harlan reprogram him self so he could kill humans! Ah... oh no, who didn't see that one coming (he asks sarcastically)? Anyway, of course the good AI dies to save Atlas from Harlan. The end. Thank fucking God.

Well fuck me. 

That makes perfect sense, especially if we are talking about a super artificial intelligence that's suppose to be smarter than man in order of magnitudes. So many things about this plot make absolutely no sense. It's week, there are short cuts and MacGuffins all up in this thing, hardwired in. It's like the writers got together and rolled a dice with plot points on it, then tried to assemble them into some eldritch horror that vaguely, has the characteristics of a story, while at the same time has all the modern trendy topics of "the message" rolled into the overall story arc. It's all there, the tropes, the bad connections, the self inserts, the use of poorly thought out cause and effect. Oh yeah, points for mental health issues and diversity as well, even though the way they are portrayed do not do the causes any kind of justice or bring light to the struggles of either. They are there strictly for bonus points and marketing. How many times do I have to say this- if you want to represent something, write it in as it should be, not as you want it to be.

Next up is the acting, or the distinct lack thereof. I am not a fan of Jaylo, never have been. For a number of reasons. In this case her acting is so bad. I really wanted this movie to be good. Her performance was worthy of 10 out 10 cringes. Her acting makes for a rough ride, because she is in almost every scene. Her acting removes you from the story so completely that you throw up in your mouth a little. The sad part is, she's not the only bad apple in this shit cart. Most of the actors don't do credit to their own careers. 

Case in point: Sterling Brown is in this, and it's a step down from the majority of the films he has acted in. He's in "This Is Us"- and he is brilliant in that show, so what happened? Bad writing happened, writing so bad he didn't have anything to work with. The good news is that he is not on screen a lot. As for some of the other actors in this movie, most don't give it their best. The bad guy doesn't even feel like a bad guy, he feels more like some cut down anime underling from a third rate manga. He, that is Harlan, seems like a minor inconvenience, or at least he would if the protagonists weren't such a major inconvenience. 

The action scenes in this movie could have been great in different context- It's like taking the road less traveled when you know you are out of gas and the engine light is blinking. The plot holes and bad writing carry over to almost every action sequence. Each one more unnecessary than the last given the choices the writers made the characters take. I feel bad that the characters in this movie had such inept writers to describe their lives. Most of the action is good in this show, but all of it's unnecessary had the characters actually done what normal people would have done. This makes me hate it even more.

The music and sound effects, well, they're in there somewhere, does that count. Nothing to write home about, just as "meh" and "sub-par" like the rest of it. It was that forgettable, and a good sound track wouldn't have helped anyway.

Lastly, there is something else that bothers me about this film. It feels like an ad for AI. It's main message seems to be: "Not all A.I. is bad, see, it's okay to embrace your robot overlords." Throughout this film there is a "good AI" named "Smith" (you know, like the Matrix agent) that is constantly telling Atlas that she has to let go and trust the machines. And of course, this becomes the main thing standing between her and destroying the bad AI. It's not even a clever plot point, it's badly telegraphed and in your face throughout the entire film. By the end, you actually want the machines to win. 

That's it, I have so much more I could go over, but do I need it? No. No more points need to be made about this movie, it was a big disappointment. Let's be clear, this movie got a 19% on Rotten Tomatoes, that might be giving it too much credit. Even on Meta-critic, the more lenient review site, it got a 37%. Across the board, this movie sucked. If I were to give this movie a score, I would give it 2.5 out of 10. I can't give it anymore than that, and the only reason I can give it that much is that there are cool giant robots in it. A 25% might be too generous, but it is what it is.

Cheers!